I've slept three times today. I am bored, tired and feel like a bag of raw nerves. I was doing alright when everyone left this morning. I took it easy, just messed around with some art online. I went over to get a tuna sub for lunch.

Then the animals started swarming me because of the food and I lost my temper. I do that a lot lately but I'm seriously growing tired of the responsibility sometimes.

The the crying spells happen more often and without provocation. I want to sleep so much. Anger shows up unexpectedly. I cant deal with life right now, I don't want to deal with life right now. All I really want to do is to stay hidden away and not see or hear from people or animals. I just want to be alone.

People are cruel the world can be mean and I am sick and tired of the injustice of it all. No one gives any thought to how they treat each other anymore. I can remember my mother telling me if I were to get a divorce from my first husband she would keep him and get rid of me. WELL, considering she refused to come to my wedding but drove all the way down here for my exes wedding, I will wager a guess she was not kidding when she said that.  

So yesterday was a real bad day. My family had stopped to say goodbye in the morning. After they left I was feeling overwhelmed and sleepy. I went to lay down and about an hour into my sleep the phone rang, it was my older sister and she wanted to bring some extra Motrin over for me before they left town.

I was not feeling so good, I was pacing around and very high strung at that point. I called David and told him to please come home because I couldn't deal with company alone. I felt like I was going to explode. My nerves were rattled as I sat down on the couch. David came home and took one look at me and said I needed to take one his anxiety medication (I've never tried them before). Normally I would have said absolutely not, but I decided he was right because if I didn't I would have ended up at the hospital which is where I felt I needed to go.

I took half of the pill instead of the whole one and about 20 minutes later I felt a little better, at least enough to deal with our company. I need to find a way to stop feeling so over stimulated. I also have a very clear understanding of why people become alcohol and drug abusers. When you feel desperate to stop the feelings inside you, you will resort to doing things you never thought of ever doing. I've been there, I am there again.

I just know my husband and family are the only reasons I keep going right now, there isn't much else.

Before I close this blog out I need to say this, even if it seems totally unrelated to this post today but because its weighing on my mind........

If someone I love is gay, it may not be my business, HOWEVER, If I love them, I would support them no matter what. I would accept their life because it was not their choice to be gay, but it is who they are and you really can't separate the two. If you don't except a gay lifestyle, you can't possibly accept the gay person, the two are one! WHY the hell can't people understand this? 

Hopefully tomorrow I wont feel as negative about the world as I do right now. It has not been a good day for me emotionally, but then it has not been for a long time. 

Have a good evening....