It has been a very long and very stress filled day getting the kids where they needed to be then packing up and moving my daughter to another town. We only had three of us to help do everything. 

While sitting here at the end of the day it occurs to me that I have been the mover and shaker in this family. The one making sure things happened. I am the one who worries like a crazy woman that all gets done and on time because I just want things to be right for my family.

I've planned and prepared all holidays meals for the last thirty five years. I did most of the decorating for holidays so my kids could feel the festiveness of these special occasions because it was important to me.

I've been the constant who made sure the kids did their homework, cleaned their bedrooms, took baths, brushed teeth, did their chores. I taught them manners, respect, responsibility and compassion for others.

I put together the birthday parties and other important events. I've run the entire household trying to make it a place of comfort for everyone. I did my share of cooking, cleaning, animal care, tree planting, lawn mowing, taxi driving duties, doctor visits, school visits. I've bandaged bleeding fingers and cleaned skinned knees and wiped away tears.

I worked on keeping the peace between the children, although kids will be kids and its pretty normal for there to be a small amount of discord among them. 

I've cried with them and for them, I've laughed the same. I watched them go from helpless infants to thriving young adults with dreams and goals for themselves.

I've nursed colds, flu and chicken pox. Wiped running noses and changed dirty diapers. Stayed up into the late hours of the night and rocked crying babies.

I've been puked on, pooped on, peed on. There is not much I've not seen or done being the mother of five children. It is a thankless job to society but I would never have traded my years with my children for anything else in this world. I love being a mother and I loved raising them.

I just wish anxiety, panic and depression didn't have a place in my life because it made doing all the things I wanted to do with my children extremely difficult.

Today as they are adults and moving into making a place in the world for themselves, I am still some what orchestrating events but this time with them instead of for them. 

I feel that my ex husband had and still does have it pretty easy as far as parenting. He went to work and earned the money. (which is a great contribution) But he also got to be the fun parent, buying things for them or taking them fun places. He got breaks away from them when he needed to recharge. I could never really do that.

He earned the wages which automatically put him on the top. He did get down and dirty doing some of the jobs I had to do on a daily basis, but when men do those things they tend to expect a hand shake of gratitude for helping. When we mothers do these things daily it is expected, so no gratitude is given or even wanted for that matter.

For the years I gave to my family this is where I am today. My exes family and my parents still think he is the best thing since sliced bread. I was battling anxiety and panic attacks in my life and this made me seem weak and useless in their eyes. I was the damaged one and make no mistake, they did indeed make me feel like I was useless and damaged, like I had no real purpose to my life.

They put my ex on a pedestal and me, they just rather not deal with me. Some how I am became the bad guy and he was always the good guy. I think he pretty much allowed this to happen because it's still happening today.

I have to wonder if he feels the way they did but didn't have the courage to tell me this to my face? The fact he finds it so easy to blow me off like I am dead pretty much says a lot to me. In essence he is treating me like they all did.   

But guess what? I know I am a good mother, a loving mother. I am a good person inside, not a saint but pretty genuine. I am viable person. I deserve to be acknowledged for who I am and what I have done with my life and my children because I think I was successful at it. My kids grew into adults with love and compassion for other people, they are smart, responsible, reliable and very respectful. I am proud of each and every one of them and I'd like to think I had a little something to do with that. 

I may not have make lots of money or drive fancy cars or wear store bought clothes, but I respect myself and love my family, regardless of those material things, I really do love my family and you can't buy that kind of love and happiness. 

For my exes family and mine back home, they have missed out on really knowing who I am as a person and knowing my wonderful, wonderful children; because it was more important to them to be right instead of being helpful, supportive, or part of the kids lives. There is no foundation there between any of them and even if they all interact today, it will never be what it could have been because of all the animosity and finger pointing. That is a shameful injustice that no one will ever confess happened!

My husband David is amazing, I feel so blessed to have him. He walked into my life and took on me and all my children without batting an eye about it. In the time we have been together he has made me feel like I really do matter to someone. He gave me back something I lost in myself all those years ago. Something that sustains me today. A feeling a self-worth. He is respectful and treats me well, probably better than I do him. He really has my back and he is not afraid to stand up for wrong doing. I admire him, I love him. 

My family and Scott's family made me feel like I was worthless for being less than what they all thought I should be, even though I was very happy being a mom. I allowed them to scar some of those years with their judgemental and tainted attitudes about me and how I managed my family. But no more! 

I was simply an insecure teen mom who wanted to fit in and be loved. I guess it was too much to expect when you come from the wrong side of the tracks! 

David and I will keep our family together, the family that I worked so hard over 35 years to keep close and together. Anyone who tries to interfere with us will be shown the door and it will be goodbye for good!