I didn't plan another blog for the rest of this weekend, but I was watching my husband tonight sitting in his chair working on some web related stuff. I was moved at how calm he looked. I kept looking back at him and watching how at ease he looked sitting there in his chair. 

Without getting to much into the details of what happened, we've had a major shift in our family, our business and our total well being.  Life has been a bit of a nightmare over this past year.  David was struggling a bit more with everything that was going on than the rest of us and I just didn't see it. 

He lost his best friend, his business suffered from a business/building deal gone wrong. He tried to do something good for our local economy and the persons business he was trying to help turned on him and walked off with our biggest account, which had a major impact on our business and on David personally. 

This person was someone he thought of as a friend, and even though he continues to give this person some of our business, I would have preferred to kick this person square in the backside, but that is not how David operates.  He really was the bigger and more professional man here even though it cost him a lot.

All this stuff going on had left him broken down and tired of everything.  Unless you have been self employed in our type of business you can't possibly begin to understand the pressures and demands that come with being self employed. Winters are the worst because who wants a sign in the dead of winter. It takes being real creative to keep the ball bouncing until spring rolls around and work picks up. David started programming websites since he had lots of experience in Sweden doing this. 

Twelve great years of successful business and then one year gone terribly wrong caused a lot of damage on a business and personal level for him. 

What I did not realize was that I was so wrapped up in my own self pitty, I didn't see that he needed some help.  I was too busy fighting to hang on to what was left of everything that I failed to notice the personal struggle my husband was going though. 

I feel deeply regretful that I was unavailable to him in the way he needed me to be there for at that time. I was just so focused on all the issues going on to really look around and see what was going on with him. It is so easy to overlook something that is staring you right in the face if you don't want to see it. 

He was having break downs on his own, in the car, the office, everywhere and I just didn't see it. One day we came home from a ride in my car and we sat parked in the driveway having a long conversation.  It was raining so we just sat there and kept talking about the things that were going on in our family and in our business.  How drastically our lives changed. The feelings of hopelessness in the both of us. This was something we were both so unprepared for, our first real serious struggle in life.

The feelings finally rushed out of him and he lost it and started ro cry. It was the first time I had ever seen him cry since losing our baby. I was filled with a lot of different emotions in a few minutes worth of time, but mostly relief for him.  He told me he was having these break downs a lot but that he was hiding them from me.
I felt my heart dropped down to my feet as I sat there clueless he had been feeling so overwhelmed, broken down and all alone.  He was tired of life, tired of the fight, tired of trying to save something that couldn't be saved anymore, and doing it all feeling like he was on his own with no one was there to help him.

He did not feel like he could talk to anyone. The person he wanted to talk too was not part of our lives anymore.  His friend, his helper, someone he saw as part of his family, someone he would have trusted to go too for help. 

After we talked I could hear a bit of relief in his voice and he agreed to call the doctor and made an appointment to be seen. We went in to see the doctor together and I am so glad we did. He was put on medication and is doing very well today.

The doctor felt his depression was more of a situational depression so short term treatment would be quite effective.  It's still a little bit of a climb up, but he is taking it one step at a time. This past year has just been that hard.  Everything he had known and worked so hard for over the last twelve years is changed and he is now carving out a new place in life to begin changing things, we are working on this hand in hand now, as it should have been all along. 

It still makes me cry when I sit and think about the fact he really felt like he had no one to go too, not even his wife.  He was going though the worst time of his life and trying to be protective of me.  :(  

Society teaches our males they are not allowed to cry or be anything other than strong men. I think this is so wrong and it needs to be changed. Many men and women will not seek out help because of this way of thinking. Many will go on to take their own lives because they fear being looked upon as weak. This is is so wrong and needs to change! Depression is a serious thing and not to be taken lightly. 

My husband tells me that he comes from a country that sort of frowns upon depression and people using antidepressants.  I am not real sure about this, I am going by what he told me so please don't get upset Swedish population if this is not true, for my husband, this is true.

Part of the reason he did not tell me something was wrong was because he believed this himself and he was afraid people would look down on him. We all need help at one time or another, its human nature. We are not robots. We all at some point in time may help to get our lives and health back on track, it's just the way it is. None of us are Immune from it.

My husband has lost a lot over this last year and it is really no wonder he started to fall backward. He was carrying a very heavy burden with losing most everything he worked so hard for and loved and still trying to keep this family afloat.

I am so proud of him for going in and seeing our doctor and talking about how he was feeling. He most definitely did the right thing. He was brave and strong and I admire him for following though. He did the right thing for himself and for our family. I know it was not an easy step, but he did take it. 

We are slowly building things back up, though it can never be what it once was. Some of us have been changed for good, some of us even more on guard. But some how we will all come out on the other side and a lot stronger for this. we have to believe in that.

Over the last two months time I know of four people who took their own lives due to depression. It is something we all must be aware of and take seriously. Look closely and pay attention, I obviously dropped the ball on that one, but learned a very valuable lesson from it too. 

There is help available and yes, there is a way to climb out of that hole and feel yourself again.

I love you David for caring enough about yourself and our family to get help. You have no idea how happy I am about this, but equally, how sad I am that I took this very picture of you, looked at it and never saw what I see now.  How could I have missed this? How could I have not seen the changes in you?