I'm not in a bad mood today, not even a crabby one despite how my blog may sound. I was sitting here today thinking that my husband wrote the sweetest message to me. You see, I was getting the cat food this morning and dropped some of it onto my foot. I then proceeded to rub yogurt in my eye while I was sitting here reading the online news this morning. It just seemed like it was going to be one of those days today.

Then I read a message from David on my page telling me he wished he were here to help wipe the yogurt from my eye and to wish me a happy nineteenth anniversary from the first time met each other online as friends in a quirky little cyber world program called mIRC. 

This all lead me to think about injustices in the world and believe me there are many in our world alone. David is really a good soul, he is not perfect but who is? He is a very genuine minded and caring person who has a big conscience that he follows faithfully. 

So why is it that my family don't really know him? I'm not talking about my kids because they do know him. I am taking about my parents. It really hurts my feelings to sit here and think about the recent conversation David had on the telephone with my step dad. We needed someone to help Kevin and Maggie carry a couch into my daughters new apartment. David decided to call my step dad to ask if he could help since they lived right down the street. 

Sadly, my step dad did not know who David was, it took him a little time before he realized who he was talking too. That made me feel sad and I can only imagine how it made David feel. My husband is a good man and my parents should recognize who their daughter is married too after twelve years.

I realize that we have not been in my parents lives the last few years, but the fault for that lies on both sides, theirs and ours. I did make an attempt recently to reach out and try to gap some of the distance between all of us but I fear it was too little too late, they seemed to have moved on too. 

I feel like I'm still be punished for me and Scott divorcing because my parents think Scott is the cats meow of men!Yes, he is a good man, I never said he was not, but he is just as flawed as the rest of us.

We both mutually ended the marriage and left on good terms. They should have respected that too, and understood that it takes two people to make or break a marriage. It's never one sided, but one side always walks away with the blame, I am the lucky door prize winner for that one.

I was longing for something in my life that was lacking, something real important to me, something I was not getting in Scott's family, something I didn't even get in my own family. A sense of belonging, yeah, it was that simple, yet so hard for me to feel.

I needed to be part of a family that loved and accepted me. Scott's family were aloof with me and blamed me for everything that was going wrong when I started to have panic attacks, depression and anxiety. I couldn't help what was happening all those years ago and maybe I didn't handle things the best way, but I was young and very inexperienced with life. I needed help and understanding, not blame and finger pointing.

I just wanted to feel like I belonged, but I never did and they never did anything to make me feel like I was part of their family. I felt like damaged goods among them for not being able to be the right person for their son. I just couldn't be more than who I was, which at the time, was a scared young girl who was dealing with some pretty major adult issues. 

I knew I had to find a place in life where I did fit, where I really belonged. I knew it was not in his family so I took steps that eventually lead to us to part ways. Only it's weird because it didn't quite happen that way, we never really parted ways, but that will be another blog some day.

We did not blame each other because we both had our problems. Scott comes from a family that does every thing together. They are all so intricately woven into each others lives it was truly an uphill battle to penetrate that families armour! Scott and I were obviously on the outside of all of them while being married to me. However, he was one of the threads of that family and I was not. Deep in my heart I felt he needed them more than he needed me and I stared letting go. It was not as simple as that just sounded either, there were many factors leading up to this happening. There were so many factors that caused a shift in our lives together.

Sadly, with the divorce came a big price for me and that was a good relationship with my mother. She was very upset when our marriage ended and told me so, even after I was divorced for awhile it was thrown back at me. Both sides of our families laid the blame on me but it didn't matter by that point, I needed to go. I knew my place was elsewhere. But not having the support of my family made things very difficult for me. 

Scott was a good husband and provider but the one thing I needed the most from him he couldn't give.  I don't hold any thing against him or myself for that matter. It was what it was and now we have both moved on with our own lives. We share five beautiful children that are the loves of my life. We share thirty eight years of good and bad memories. But that is all we will ever share anymore, the twine of our time has finished unraveling.

 David unfairly gets to reap the after effects of my divorce . My parents, mostly my mother still holds  Scott in the highest regard and have never really taken the time to know who David is. She missed out on this because David is the man who has taken the best care of her daughters heart.

The man who stands by me no matter what, the man who accepted me, my five children and all that came along with me into his life. He made some pretty big sacrifices leaving homeland in Sweden to move here and be with us. He deserves to be held in high regard too and noticed for his obvious good qualities. I am sad that he is not. He deserves so much better.

I am not writing this to cause trouble or blame Scott. But I think he needs to be more thoughtful when allowing my mother into his life still. It makes things harder on David. The fact she went to his wedding and refused to come to me and David's wedding says a handful. I feel like he is encouraging something we see as negative and hurtful, even if he does not mean it to be. I wish he would have asked her why it was that they could come all the way here for his wedding, but couldn't be bothered to drive down her to see our children, their grandchildren. That would be a good question for all of us.

I love you David, you are my world and regardless of my parents and the lack of knowledge about the kind of man you are, you will always be my family and in my heart, right strait down to the deepest part of my soul. Validation is a powerful tool but you will always get that from me and from the kids. If I could give you more than that, you know I would.  

I am sorry my parents couldn't make you feel as loved and as welcomed as your mother, sister and family members in Sweden have made me feel. 

Always and forever in my heart is where you will be David....