About a week ago my mother sent me a hand written letter telling me I am a self centered person among other not so nice things.

For those who don't know the history between me and my mother, it's not a good one. She has never been happy for me, even though I am very happy with how my life is going, she still cannot find it in herself to be happy for me. She never could. I seem to be her biggest disappointment, yet I have never understood why.

By the way she wrote that letter to me you could almost see her desperation to make sure I knew she was disappointed in me once again. The letter was written at the spur of the moment. She was very angry and it appears she didn't take any time to think about what she was doing.

I was ready to shoot back and had my letter all ready to go, but then I did take the time to think about it and what the real underlying problem was. I decided not to respond back to her. I think there is more to this story than meets the eye. 

You might wonder what OR WHO provoked her to write her own daughter such a nasty letter? Well I suspect a certain busy body with nothing better to do than chase my words and use them against me had everything to do with this.

Twelve years ago I sent her a wedding invitation to attend me and David's wedding. We were not getting along at that time so I added a little note on the invitation that said if she and my step dad were not comfortable coming I would understand. I said I didn't want them to feel forced into coming to share our special day with us.

Hind site, that was the wrong thing for me to do and I own up to that, but at the time I was riding high on emotions, four days prior to our wedding we lost our son. I was not thinking clearly and just wanted to try and keep the peace with everyone. I never should have given my mother the option of not attending. Her support did mean a lot to me, I just couldn't seem to tell her that in my own words.

Granted I wrote that, she is my mother and I wanted and needed her to be there. But I wanted it to be her choice to come share that day with us. She is my mother, I had hoped deep inside she was going to choose to be there but she chose not to be there. That hurt but in another sense, I was not too surprised either given our history.

I can remember walking into the chapel and looking around to see if she was there thinking that maybe I had just missed seeing her come into the church. I did see my brother and my step dad there and I felt so happy to see them, but sadly, they were the only two people from family to attend.

Twelve years pass and my ex husband got re-married and I found out my parents drove all the way down here to attend his wedding. She adores my ex husband and has always thought I was stupid for divorcing him and she had no problem telling me that in a phone conversation once. 

I felt hurt that she was here for my ex but she was not here for her own daughter. I wrote my ex husband and told him I was upset and hurt about this and the next thing you know I am getting this nasty letter from my mother telling me all these mean and hurtful things about myself. I know he didn't tell my mother this information, but a person from his side of the family certainly did. 

I will not respond back to her because at this point in our lives it won't change anything. I am done getting upset and us shooting back and forth with mean and hurtful comments. It is best to just let this go and hope for better in the future. But I also hope she sees the truth behind many of her misconceptions of my life and the person I am today.

I love David, he makes me happy, he is very good man and has a soul of a saint, I am not kidding. He takes care of our family, he loves me and he loves our children. UNCONDITIONALLY! I am so lucky to have him in my life and if my mom can't see or won't see how happy we are and join in and be part of this, there is nothing I can do about it. I won't beg anyone to be part of our lives. The door has ALWAYS been open to anyone who wants in!

In ending this blog, I want people to understand that I am not angry writing this. I am very detached from emotion right now because too much hurt and pain over the years. I hoped things could have been so much more between all of us. I still love my mom even though she has never made me feel loved by her. It shouldn't be this way, it 'does' go against nature.

I wish her peace and happiness. I forgive her for what she wrote to me and I will move forward in my life knowing things just are the way they are, they can't be changed by one person alone. God knows the entire truth of who we really are on the inside. The rest of the people setting out to keep destroying things in my life will pay the price of their meddling one day, if not here on earth, most definitely in the here after!

Good night....