I am frustrated with myself. It took me three years to get past the pain of losing two people from my life that I was very close with.  In that three years of coming to terms with things came depression and deep sadness.  I slowly worked my way out of it and back to my self again but just when I thought that I was finally there, another painful loss.

This morning I woke up and the house was quiet, everybody was sleeping including all the animals. Maggie had left earlier  for work.  I made myself some coffee (the cheaters kind, no sugar, no caffeine international flavored) and went out to sit on the front porch. The sun was shining down on me as I sat on the steps sipping from my cup pondering where my life was heading again.

My eyes welled up with tears and that familiar feeling of sadness took over me. I am going back to the place I worked so hard to get out of.  The pain is deeply rooted inside of me again along with the fear of what will happen to our futures.  I don't want to go back to that dark place but how can I stop it, it seems to be surrounding my every thought and pulling me right in the direction I don't want to go.

I don't have time for this, I prayed to God sitting on that porch this morning, I prayed for him to give me and strength and the courage to get me where I need to be in life. I even asked for a sign he was listening out of sheer desperation.  How can things really be like this again?  How can I be going back to that place I worked so hard to get out of? 

I can only conclude in order to get on with my own life I am going to need to forgive the people who have hurt me, my children and my family otherwise I am going to never be able to move forward and get to that place of solitude I want so desperately to be at.

Life is just not a pretty thing right now, I've lost a another family member, a job, our business took a serious turn for the worse, we are in danger of losing everything we worked so hard for.  It wasn't supposed to be like this for any of us.

How do I forgive that and move on?  

I never thought that I would say this much less feel it was the truth, but allowing the father of my children to remain in our lives over the last fourteen years was a very big mistake that has now cost us a lot. We thought it was right and it felt right having him still be a big part of our daily lives, but it was wrong and we are now paying the price today for allowing him to be part of this family still.

Most especially since we feel he just used me and my husband because there was nothing better out there for him. We never saw it coming that he would meet someone and close the door to everything this family had built up over those fourteen years.  So yeah folks,  that is depressing considering all the past history between all of us. 

I have to forgive and move on but it's not so easy.  Do I have a plan? nope! nothing in the works. As I have said before, it is like going through the steps of grieving a death.  You have this person who you saw daily, shared things with, family gatherings, important family events and then one day, that person is not longer around and it's like they died. 

There is one perplexing thing I have noticed that over the nine months he has excluded and ignored me and my husband, I have not missed him. I have only missed the camaraderie that  existed between us before this time.  It really was much easier to get along and share the family and children. The feeling of "we did something right and good for our children" is no longer there, it now feels like we made the wrong decision in trying to remain a family with him part of it.

Now he will have to build a life with his children and without us. I take the peace of knowing the relationship between me and my children only grew closer because of this "thing' that came into our lives.  I am enjoying our time spent and each and every one of my children have made it perfectly clear they are with me in life.... no matter what happens.....

I know some how, some way that me David and Maggie will come out in the place we all need to be, this hurt, pain and sadness will be a thing of the past, we will learn and grow from it. 

Now I am going to spend a couple hours putting the information together for our new cleaning business. David put together a new and very nice logo, facebook page and he is working on our website.  This is really where I need to focus right now!

All you cyber friends out there have yourself a nice Sunday and be true to yourself, it is not always easy and can sometimes cause some real pain, but it's the most honest thing you can do for yourself and you will sleep better at night for it.....  at least I have that right now!