I can't sleep tonight, I feel so restless and agitated. I hate when I have these completely emotional days. I spent most of today feeling sad, irritated and alone. I feel very angry with the world and myself lately.  My head is spinning with all the stuff going on right now, past present and now the future.

I had a nice talk with my cousin yesterday. I told him I was upset because when we had the flooding on the streets from the storm, we were playing in the water in David's truck. We apparently pissed off this man in a truck next to us and he followed us up the highway, I rolled my window down and asked him what the problem was since he made it a point to follow us.  He told me to stop splashing water around him.

I felt instant anger at him and replied that it was just water, then I pretty much told him to fuck off to his face, followed by giving him the finger as he drove off.  I have been so confrontational with people. Who is this? it does not feel like me, it certainly didn't feel good to tell him that, in fact I felt uneasy the rest of the night. 

Where is this pent up hostility coming from? I don't know but I did feel bad for telling the man to fuck off, maybe he didn't deserve that, I don't know. I asked my cousin if there was something wrong with me because anger seems to be the driving force in my life these days. I've been short tempered and quick to lash out at people.  His reply was that I am going though a lot right now in my life and acting like all is well when really underneath it all, I am not alright.

I feel so hurt and upset about about losing the coffee house, our business suffering from this, my husband having to leave, watching our sons struggle, watching my daughter deal with not having her biological father in her life right now, watching his two pets suffer because he decided he didn't want them anymore and just abandoned them in his trailer. 

I guess I have a right to be pissed, my kids do, my husband does, my sister in law does as does my mom in law. ALL people who have been hurt by their selfishness.  

I am trying hard to be supportive of my husband but I feel sad that he has to leave and angry he was pretty much forced to do this, I feel sad for him and for us, I worry if this will have negative effects on our marriage with him being gone so much. 

I hate feeling this way, truly I do. I don't want to hate people, I don't want to be angry, right now, I just can't help it, it's the way I feel.

I thought it would be a piece of cake to get though all this but was I wrong. I am just as human as anyone and if you cut me I bleed too. I am not super woman. I have feelings and when I get hurt or see my family get hurt or innocent animals, I am going to react to that pain. Hiding it from everyone was silly and counter productive and just not healthy.

So I recognize that carrying all this around on my own is not good for me or for my family and talking to someone is probably a good thing. Life's too short to go on feeling this way. It's just not fun at all.

I am thankful for my husband, all of my children, my sister and my mom Rosa for being there to make the days a little easier and less tearful. I owe it to my family to fix myself and lose the anger.

I want to be a strong example to them of how I can come out of this in a more positive side, but that does not mean I will ever like or respect the person my ex married. I never will and she will NEVER be any thing more than the woman my kids dad married, nothing more! 

I am going back to bed now, I think sleep will be easier now..... 

Good Night...........